Can We Go Home Now?
by The Accidental Scribe
Summary: After the saga with the Wintons finally ends and Martin and Louisa are alone for the first time on the grassy hill...things were said and things were implied, but what did they really mean? (S7 E8 spoilers)


I breathed a sigh of relief as Jim Winton's stretcher was finally loaded into the air ambulance. It had been a harrowing twenty four hours. I was exhausted and I must have looked a mess. Even Ruth had asked if I was alright. Being held hostage by Winton's crazy wife and son had been an unusual situation to say the least. It had not been a pleasant experience and had caused me to miss my dinner date with Louisa; an important date because we were to discuss what we were going to do about our relationship, about James Henry - about everything.

When I didn't arrive for dinner and still hadn't put in an appearance by the next morning, Louisa's anger had given way to concern and she had started a search which ended up at the Wintons. She'd told Mrs Winton that she wouldn't leave without me and she hadn't. And now she sat at the top of the little hill looking down to where I stood with Ruth and the emergency response team. I wanted to go to her, to be near her but I was also apprehensive because this might be the moment I would hear the words I dreaded: that she didn't want to be with me anymore. That she would live a separate life with James Henry and I would be allowed to visit them only at prearranged times.

I squared my shoulders and began to walk up the hill to where she sat. It was no good trying to avoid the meeting, it had to take place sometime but my heart was heavy as I sat down beside her on the grassy slope.

We watched the helicopter rise into the sky and when the noise had abated all that could be heard was the sound of the wind in the grass and birds calling to one another from the hedgerows. And then I heard her say, "I think I've made a terrible mistake…" and my heart constricted in my chest as I looked at her. Yes, meeting me and marrying me had probably been a terrible mistake for her - but not for me. Meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me - her and James, because I have learned to love in my flawed and awkward way and I couldn't imagine a life without them.

Louisa held my gaze, "I think I've made a terrible mistake. I think I'm a little bit obsessed with everyone having to be normal…and people aren't. Are they?"

I tried to read the real meaning into what she'd just said. Normal was a loaded word in the medical vocabulary. It varied so much from individual to individual. The Wintons certainly weren't normal. Not under these circumstances anyway. Before Jim's tumour they might have been considered to be normal but then things changed. There are shades of normal. Bert wasn't normal. Mrs Tishell definitely wasn't. Penhale wasn't. Penhale was...Penhale. I didn't have the energy to say all of this so I said, "No."

She was still looking at me as if she had just discovered a great truth. "I'm not normal…and you're not...are you?" She said thoughtfully, "you're…unusual."

Unusual. It wasn't a word that I'd associated with myself before – odd maybe or difficult but not unusual. But after I thought about it, it seemed to fit and I said, "Yes."

A strong breeze whipped our hair and tugged at our clothes. We were sitting close together on the hillside, shoulder to shoulder, closer than we'd been in a long time and I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was so beautiful.

She smiled faintly. "You know everyone said that you'd just left…but I knew you wouldn't let me down." She shook her head and looked into my eyes, "You're the one person who never has…I just knew you wouldn't…I just knew in my heart…"

I would never leave her I thought. She would always be a part of me, no matter where I was or where she was. It was never going to be any other way and for the first time in a very long time I spoke what was in my heart without stumbling over my words because I was so sure of what was there.

"You know…I'm never going to change the way I feel about you."

Her eyes looked deeply into mine and she shook her head. "I don't want that…"

When it had become clear to me that I wasn't making her happy and she didn't want to be under the same roof as me, it had devastated me. Living just down the hill in that miserable cottage, if one could call it that, knowing that she and James were at the surgery getting on with their lives without me had almost killed me. So I'd tried to be practical. I'd tried to look at things in a cold, harsh light. She didn't want me. I made her unhappy. We weren't going to have a life together - so I must just get over it. I'd tried to suppress my feelings for her by sheer force of will but it hurt so much. And it didn't change a thing.

"I tried," I told her, "I _really_ tried…but it just makes things worse."

What she couldn't know was, the more I tried to force myself to accept that it was over, the more I longed for her. When I tried to accept that she didn't want me and that my future was going to be without her and James, the more excruciating the agony of separation became and I would lie awake in that godawful narrow bed and I would yearn for her presence, for her touch, to hear her voice and to see her smile.

Sitting so close to her now comforted me and I savoured the feeling, knowing that it might never happen again. I looked at her beautiful face, at her soft lips and wanted so badly to touch her. Then she smiled and put her hand on my arm and her next words gave me just a little flicker of hope. She looked up at me and said, "Can we go home now?"

Home? Where was that? For me home could only be where she was…and James. Was there a small chance that she meant a home where we would all be together?

We looked at each other for a long moment, then again I did something I don't normally do because I couldn't stop myself. I leaned forward and kissed her, not caring that my face was unshaven and I hadn't changed my clothes since the day before. She responded and her lips felt so sweet and soft under mine. The tenderness of it made me feel weak and when we finally broke apart, I did another thing I don't normally do. I said quite clearly and without my usual tongue-tied awkwardness, "I love you Louisa." And without hesitation she said, "I love you too." A feeling of relief welled up in me, a feeling of hope and I rested my forehead against hers, not wanting to break the fragile strand that we'd spun between us.

But eventually we had to leave and I got up and helped her to her feet. I wanted to touch her to reassure myself that she really was here and had said she loved me. My hand went to her face and I stroked her cheek with the backs of my fingers then gently pulled her towards me and she came without resistance and slid her arms around my waist. We stood like that for a moment with the strong breeze whipping our clothes and hair and then I lifted her head from where it lay against my chest and bent to kiss her again. This time our kiss was deep and slow and filled with tenderness. I couldn't – didn't want to fight against my need of her. I needed her closeness, her kisses, her caresses but most of all I needed her love and the secure knowledge that she would be there when I looked for her. And I would be with her, learning to show the love that was already there and had been since the day I met her.

Eventually we separated and still holding hands we began a slow walk down the hill to where my car was still hidden under a tarpaulin behind the Winton's house.

 **ooooOOOOoooo**

Much later I stood in the kitchen at the surgery and watched as Louisa wiped James Henry's mouth with a cloth and put the spoon back in his bowl. He rewarded her with one of his wide, toothy smiles and grabbed at the spoon with his little hand.

"You're a messy little pup aren't you? It's time for your bath young man." She turned to look at me where I leaned against the kitchen counter. "Would you like to bathe him Martin? Or are you too tired?"

I'd put in a full day in the surgery, or what was left of it after going by my cottage to shower and change. I was tired but I would never be too tired to be with James at bed time.

After bathing him and dressing him in his pyjamas I sat with him in the nursery and read him a story from one of the many books there. His eyes finally drooped and closed, his dark eyelashes forming little half moons on his pink cheeks. A feeling of tenderness welled up in me. It is a feeling unlike any other and reserved only for him. I felt the weight of him against me as he lay in the crook of my arm and I stroked the backs of my fingers against his forehead. He was perfect.

I looked up to see Louisa standing in the doorway. Her expression was thoughtful. I knew we were going to have to talk after I put James in his cot. My heart started pounding as I stood up and settled him under his fluffy blanket then walked to where Louisa stood in the doorway, not touching her in case she didn't want that. We looked into each other's eyes, both of us trying to find answers there. Eventually she said softly, "Are you hungry? I've made supper."

I shook my head. "No…" I was too nervous to eat anything.

"Me neither."

She drew me away from the nursery door and pulled it partially closed and we stood close to one another, not quite touching. I could feel the energy emanating from her body and I was sure she could feel my need of her. I was too afraid to speak in case I messed things up.

Louisa raised her hand and stroked my cheek. It felt so good.

"I was so worried about you Martin. I thought the worst...that something had happened to you and I would never see you again."

I put my hand over hers where it lay against my cheek. I had carried that fear in me too. That the mad Winton woman would shoot me, even by accident and I would never see my family again. I swallowed hard. "Mmm...I worried that you thought I didn't want to meet for dinner...to talk about…" My courage failed me. To talk about our separation.

Louisa stepped closer until our bodies were touching and my heart started pounding. I needed her so badly. I needed her physically but also emotionally - spiritually whatever one wanted to call it. I touched her cheek gently and let my hand slide around to cup her neck. She looked up at me with those beautiful eyes and I couldn't resist. I lowered my head until my mouth found hers and I tasted the sweetness of her and felt the silkiness of her lips beneath mine. I heard her sigh and felt her hands slide up my chest and wind themselves around my neck and I pulled her closer until our bodies were moulded together. Our kiss deepened and was filled with such exquisite tenderness that I felt weak and when I finally lifted my head I heard myself whisper, "Oh Louisa." as I trailed my lips down the smooth skin of her neck. I felt her sweet breath against my skin as she whispered, "Make love to me Martin."

I lifted my head and stared into her eyes. "Are you sure…?" was all I could manage. There were so many things still to talk about. So many things that seemed to loom between us , so many things keeping us apart, making us doubt one another, making us both wretched. It was if she could read my mind.

"Martin...I learned something today. I learned that no matter what issues we have with one another, I couldn't bear to be without you. And I know that together we can find a way - we _will_ find a way to overcome these things." She stroked her fingers through my hair. "I want to be with you. I _want_ us to be a family. We will both have to make compromises...but we can do it." She leaned forward and touched her lips to mine. "The love we have for one another _has_ to be stronger than all the things we struggle with...don't you think?"

I thought back to that day, so many years ago, when I was just about to give up and leave Portwenn for good. I'd stood at the window of the surgery looking across the harbour towards the school and I'd known that my life was somehow going to be tied up with Louisa's. I hadn't been wrong. I couldn't exist without her and James.

"Mmm...I agree." I brushed a strand of hair from her cheek. "But I will need help...I don't always see...things."

"I know...and I don't always explain things properly do I?"

"No…"

She stepped away and took my hand and we walked to our bedroom. My eyes never left her. I wanted to make love to her so desperately and she had asked me to. I took her in my arms and kissed her, this time with more passion and I felt her respond. Her fingers began to unbutton my jacket and I shrugged out of it and threw it on the little chair in the corner. I pushed her hair from her shoulders and began to unbutton her blouse until I could see the lace of her bra. I felt weak with need. And then we were undressing quickly, helping one another, kissing and touching and whispering until at last we lay beside one another on the bed. Louisa ran her soft hands down my back, "I need you so much Martin."

We made love slowly and tenderly until we could no longer endure. I could feel her soft body yielding to mine and heard her whisper my name as the shuddering release overcame us. Our breath was wrenched from us as we clung together and as I looked down into her flushed and beautiful face, I knew we could overcome anything, just like she'd said.

I bent to gently kiss her lips. "I love you Louisa. Nothing else matters when I am with you."

"I know. I feel that way too. You are the first person I look for every day…" She smiled up at me. "Even when I'm upset with you." She pulled my head down until her cheek was against mine and whispered, "I love you Martin...I want us to be together...to have a home together. Let's help one another...mmm?"

"Yes…"

I felt so many things as I looked at her: indescribable love, relief, gratitude, trepidation. I might never be able to express myself to her, or be able to spontaneously say the things I knew she wanted to hear but I would try. I would do anything for her and this time I knew she would meet me halfway - that she would understand when I said more with my eyes than I did with my mouth because words were not always my friend. That she would realise that I was better at showing my love in other ways - like caring for her and James because being a doctor was the only thing I was good at. And she would know that I love her with every fibre of my being. I always have and always will.

I looked down at her soft and sleepy face and felt so close to her, so relieved that we'd come to a place where we could begin to understand one another better. I touched my lips to hers and it felt as if every pore in my body overflowed with love for her. For the first time in a long time I felt that we really had a chance to make our relationship work. It had taken almost being killed by that mad woman, but if anything good had come of it, it was coming to the realisation that we couldn't live without one another, no matter what issues existed between us. We'd finally come to place of understanding...together...but more than that, we'd finally come home. Truly home.

 **ooooOOOOoooo**


End file.
